Flailing

Standard

I hit a hard place with my diet. Infertility and depression crept in as dark intruders, and battered me. I’ve struggled to stay active. I’ve say that I’ve struggled to stay on my diet, but the truth is that I’ve failed. Completely. I’m flailing horribly, trying to grab a hold on something, to find solid footing. I’ve been eating emotionally, charged with sadness, impatience, and longing. I keep craving sweets, and I try to tell myself that I deserve them for what I’m going through.

It’s this mindset that’s gotten me into this mess to begin with. It’s this style of eating, this depression, that gained me 100lbs. I know that I need to stop the cycle, but I honestly don’t know how. I’m trying to be firmer with myself. I’m trying to just maintain right now, not even lose, just maintain until the storm passes. Yet, I’ve regained 5lbs.

It’s disheartening how quickly you can put the weight back on, and yet how very long it takes to shed.

I don’t think we’ll be doing anymore medicated cycles this year. We may go back in October, but I think this cycle is it for now. Being able to focus on other aspects of my life, would be nice. Not being trapped by timing, appointments, and what ifs, was liberating last year. I can only hope that it will be so this summer too. I’ll still have the sense of failure, it’ll still be hard having other’s fertility to contend with, but I’ll survive. I have better hopes for next year… finances willing.

I just need to make it through this month, and try to reign in my diet sabotage.

Advertisements

April 2013 Weigh-In

Standard

April 16 2013 So far I like MyFitnessPal. It seems to have made some difference, and it hasn’t been to much of a pain to use. So, there’s that. I haven’t been starving, or struggling as much (but I do still struggle) with staying in my calories. I haven’t really lost anything off my waist or hips, or noticed anything visual, but I am down 2lbs. So that’s something!

Hopefully my progress will continue. I have hit many hiccups these past 6 months, and I know I will continue to as we proceed with fertility treatments, but I hope to at least maintain (if not lose) in the coming months. I’ll know if this cycle of treatments worked next week, and if it didn’t we have two more months before our break. I think that if it comes to that, losing should be a little easier. Trying to lose weight while undergoing fertility treatments isn’t easy. As someone who’s an emotional eater, it really hits me hard at times. Not to mention worrying about overworking myself, or having to postpone because of triggering, or all the other little things like being exhausted and the meds messing with me.

So far I’ve lost 77.6 lbs. That’s not bad, really. I’m so much healthier now, and that’s huge. I just know I could do better, so that bothers me sometimes. These last 25 lbs have been incredibly difficult to lose. It’s a little disheartening at times, and I have trouble staying motivated. I’ll be honest, my biggest motivation to workout right now? Is so that I can eat more. I think that’s saying something right there. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel kick ass after my jog, I’m empowered, but I’m also exhausted. And food sounds amazing.

Okay, time to wrap this up. Starting weight, 250 lbs. Current weight, 172.4 lbs. I am 3.4 lbs away from being “overweight” according to BMI. And I am 22.4 lbs away from my goal weight… so close, and yet so far!

Varying it up a bit!

Standard

I’ve been in a slump. That’s the nice way to put it. I’ve been depressed. Unmotivated. Slovenly. Okay, maybe not slovenly– my only saving grace, the only reason I haven’t been regaining, is my obstinance about jogging. But I could have been doing better in so many areas.

My challenges, after sorting it out, lie mostly in my daily calorie allowance. I could not stay within my recommended calories on Sparkpeople, not while burning through 500cal a workout. My take away calories were only 1,100, and a woman needs at least 1,200 to function. I would stay close to my calories, taking Sparkpeople’s guidelines and amending them… but it was still frustrating, it took time, it still told me I was failing even if I knew I wasn’t. Take into account my thyroid and insulin meds, well, the restrictions were a bit stifling too.

So, I decided to abandon ship. A lot of my friends use MyFitnessPal, so I’m giving it a try for a few weeks. So far, I love the feature that allows me more calories equivalent to my workout. I don’t feel like I’m starving anymore. Hungry? Yes- but not starving. I had a little bit of an issue working with entering my workouts, since I manually enter everything based on my treadmill and my jog that day… it’s a little confusing, and at first I didn’t think I could customize it every day. I think I’ve figured that out now though, so we’re good! All my recipes and meals have been saved on Sparkpeople, so it is a bit of a pain to have to reenter and find everything. You have to remember, I’ve used Sparkeople for years!

It’s different, the set up isn’t what I’m used to, but I’m going to stick it out for a few weeks and see where this takes me. I still love Sparkpeople, and I think it did great for those first 75lbs, but now my level of workout and needs aren’t getting met there. The last 25lbs have been stubborn. They aren’t coming off as easy, and it’s completely understandable- I’m not as active, I’m eating more, I’m lacking motivation.

And that’s the thing, the motivation… part of me is content at this weight, even if most of me isn’t. Part of me is already proud of what I’ve done, and doesn’t want to bother with going further. Part of me is tired of counting every single thing that goes in my mouth. Even tired of jogging at times. I guess you could say that I’m worn out? If I don’t get pregnant this year, I at least want to meet my goal weight though… so I need to get cracking.

I’ve been using MFP for a few days now, and so far I think it’s helping. The scale has went down a little bit, which is good, but we’ll see where it goes from here. Hopefully I’ll have much better news to report at the next weigh in!

In the meantime, I’ve been having issues with my son, my car, fertility treatments, my health insurance… just, so much STRESS. I know it’s not helping in the course of things, but hopefully we can power through this. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s starting to feel more like spring here, and hopefully things will begin evening out and starting anew.

March 2013 Weigh-in

Standard

March172013I weighed in at 174.4 lbs this month. That gives me a loss of 1.4 lbs- I definitely could have done better. Still, it’s better than gaining. And it’s better than staying the same. It’s been 12 months since I restarted my weight loss postpartum- I’ve lost 52.6 lbs since then. I’ve lost 75.6 lbs total since January of 2011.

I’ve stayed on top of my exercise, although I did miss a few days walking here and there. I had to post-pone a workout this week because of fertility treatments and side effects from that, but I made up for it yesterday. Which means I’m going to jog two days in a row this weekend, instead of alternating days- I’ll probably pay for it tomorrow!

My biggest issue lately is my diet. As much as I keep saying, “I’m going to do better,” I’ll admit that I haven’t done better. I need to start tracking my calories again instead of just tracking my work outs. I’m really hoping I can kick it up this month though, because I really want to reach my goal weight/BMI this year. I’m 5.4 lbs away from being “overweight,” and 24.4 from my goal weight. I’d have to lose about 30 to reach the “ideal” BMI, but I’m not aiming for that because I feel like it’s too little for my body type.

I went ahead and took another photo, but it doesn’t show much progress. Eh. Still, better to document things just the same. Maybe I’ll have more to show for it next month.

Trekking along

Standard

I haven’t been strictly adhering to my diet. My bad. I’m trying to get back on track, and I will admit that I could do better. For now, I’m down about a pound from last weigh in and that’s something. I’m trying to make healthy choices, I bought lots of healthy snacks, delicious fruits, and I’m trying to be conscious about what I’m doing. Oh, and no more soda. Period.

I’m still staying strong with my exercise. I did have to take a week off when I was sick, but that was probably for the best- I think my body needed the break. I’m trying to figure out how to alter my workouts or cut back right now since we are pursuing fertility treatments. I just don’t want to go overboard, that’s all. I think I’m going to cut out the crunches at least, although I’ll still do Plank pose for abdominal work.

I am struggling a little with my workouts because I’m getting bored. And I’m getting cabin fever. Hopefully we can get out to the zoo and walk around on Saturday- once around the entire zoo is 5 miles (and we regularly do the entire circuit). That will be a nice excursion, if the weather holds! It’ll be almost 50. Which is still a little chilly, but it’s warmer than when we went there for their Christmas light show… so, eh. It’s ALMOST SPRING!

I need some sunshine and fresh air. Really bad.

Subtle words

Standard

In November I was at my mother’s for Thanksgiving. Someone commented on my weight loss and I replied, “Thanks! I’m almost down the the size I was in high school.” I was so proud of myself.

Then my mother did a double take and said, “You didn’t seem that big in high school.”

Subtle words, but they packed a punch. See, I was this same size freshman year of high school. I was the same weight. I wore the same exact size jeans. I wore the same shirts. I was this exact size. My mother and other family members made comments about my weight back then. Not positive comments, like I’m getting these days. No, these were always about how I could stand to lose a few pounds, how I was going to eat them out of house and home, how I love food… so much teasing and bullying over my size.

I do love food. But I also love myself now, and back then I didn’t. Back then I hated that girl in the mirror. I hated her pudgy belly, her large thighs, her chubby cheeks. I hated the way she had to buy plus clothes, how she’d never be as small as her sister or mother. I thought I was much larger than I was. Much larger. I thought I was uglier. I thought that I needed fixed, as if I were somehow broken.

My mental state lead me to do myself harm as I started eating less and less food. And then all I heard was praise. I was beautiful. I was gorgeous. I was pretty. I was sexy. I looked awesome. I would look perfect if I lost 10 more pounds (well I guess it couldn’t all be praise, now could it?)

So, no, my mother doesn’t remember me being “this big” in high school. Probably because she chose to forget the first 3 years and focus solely on my last year- when I was mildly anorexic. The year when I was the thinnest.

This big. This big. I’ve lost 75lbs, but I’m still “this big” to her. Some things never change. It’s a good thing that my weight loss is for me and my health this time, that I’m in a good place, that I recognize her words for what they are: projections of her own body image issues onto me.

I only paused a moment before I repeated that I was this same size, and switched the conversation. They were such subtle words, but what a weight to them.

Slacking off

Standard

I haven’t posted in awhile because, well, I haven’t had much to post. I haven’t been sleeping very well, my migraines have returned, my back issues are ongoing, my hormones are all over the place, I’ve been stressed out, and my depression is kicking my ass.

I’ve regained 3-5lbs.

I’m trying really hard to stay on top of my exercise, and I’ve been successful for the most part. I’m going to postpone my jog tonight until tomorrow and walk instead though, because this migraine is killing me. I need to stop “allowing” myself soda and other caffeinated beverages as a “treat”- I am almost certain they are the root cause of all these migraines. I’ve been struggling to remain on my diet, and the biggest issue for me is running errands and going to appointments, and lack of preparation. When I plan out all for meals/snacks for the day, I do alright. I know what I can have, and I can budget it accordingly. There’s no guesswork when I go to the fridge, no mindless eating, no unaccountable calories. I really need to get back on that.

I’ve been stressed out with my insurance changes, with going off birth control and jumping back into the infertility game of risk, with finances, with my son, with being a stay at home mother with limited adult company (We seriously need to start going to the library, something, ANYTHING- maybe I should get a YMCA membership again. I’m dying here.)

My depression came back with a vengeance. I’ve dealt with it since I was a child, it hit hard as a teenager, and then again in college. It comes and goes, some days it’s alright, then some days (or months) I’m just down- I don’t want to do anything. I try to make myself get into the groove of things, to stay active, to be positive, to be proactive in my life, find new things to do, get out of the house, but most of the time I don’t even want to get off the couch. When I say that I don’t want to do anything, I mean I don’t want to play games, I don’t want to read, I don’t want to watch anything, I don’t want to get online, I don’t want to clean, I don’t want to deal with life in general.

But I do it anyway.

Because I have to. Because that’s what you do. Because there’s no pause button for life. Because my husband and son need me. I would do anything for my son, and I totally do– I push myself and push myself, even if my body is so lethargic that I can’t find the energy to do diddly squat. It’s hard some days. And then, when all is said and done, I don’t feel like bothering with myself. But I need to. I need to remind myself of that sometimes.

I don’t want anyone to worry about me, I’m doing alright. I’ve dealt with this all my life so I know what works for me, and I know it’s not going anywhere. It comes in waves and goes as quickly, sometimes I’m fine, sometimes I’m low, and I always recognize the signs when it’s time to get help. Me being online and posting means I’m doing alright, for the most part. It’s when I withdraw from others completely, online and in real life, that I know it’s time to get help. We’re okay, it’s just… I could be better, you know?

I’m in a funk. I ache all over, I’m exhausted because we have some major toddler sleep regression going on here, my self esteem has plummeted… and I’m making excuses.

I’ve created a repetitive cycle of negativity in my own life- I don’t feel good, so I don’t treat myself well, which in turns makes me feel worse, so I’ve been treating myself worse (like this is what I deserve) and then I feel even worse.

I recognize the pattern and I KNOW what I need to do in order to stop it- I just need to find the energy to break the cycle.

I need a fresh start. I need to be kinder to myself. I need to stop saying that I can do this and actually believe it again.