Flailing

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I hit a hard place with my diet. Infertility and depression crept in as dark intruders, and battered me. I’ve struggled to stay active. I’ve say that I’ve struggled to stay on my diet, but the truth is that I’ve failed. Completely. I’m flailing horribly, trying to grab a hold on something, to find solid footing. I’ve been eating emotionally, charged with sadness, impatience, and longing. I keep craving sweets, and I try to tell myself that I deserve them for what I’m going through.

It’s this mindset that’s gotten me into this mess to begin with. It’s this style of eating, this depression, that gained me 100lbs. I know that I need to stop the cycle, but I honestly don’t know how. I’m trying to be firmer with myself. I’m trying to just maintain right now, not even lose, just maintain until the storm passes. Yet, I’ve regained 5lbs.

It’s disheartening how quickly you can put the weight back on, and yet how very long it takes to shed.

I don’t think we’ll be doing anymore medicated cycles this year. We may go back in October, but I think this cycle is it for now. Being able to focus on other aspects of my life, would be nice. Not being trapped by timing, appointments, and what ifs, was liberating last year. I can only hope that it will be so this summer too. I’ll still have the sense of failure, it’ll still be hard having other’s fertility to contend with, but I’ll survive. I have better hopes for next year… finances willing.

I just need to make it through this month, and try to reign in my diet sabotage.

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3 responses »

  1. I completely understand how you feel. I refuse to step on a scale. REFUSE. I know I’ve gained some back. I’ve fallen off my nutrition bandwagon and I just don’t feel motivated. TTC does that to me… it’s a downward spiral. 😦 I need to get back up, but sometimes I’d rather sit on the couch eating candy, weeping about my broken ovaries. :oP

  2. Hope You get back on the good path. I’ve been feeling low on my dieting as well, but been reminding myself how much I’ve worked for this and been revising a lot of things. Hope You get back on track!

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