Challenging

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My weight has been standing still for the past couple weeks. That is always so disheartening for me. When the scale goes down a pound every week I feel like I’m on top of the world. To me, seeing my progress is the best motivator I could ask for!

When it doesn’t though, I wonder what I’m doing wrong. I start criticizing myself. I start struggling, feeling like nothing’s going to give. Like I’m somehow failing. I know that’s not the case. As long as I haven’t given up, as long as I’m still trying, then I can not fail. Still, it doesn’t prevent me from getting into that bad head space, that funk where I feel like I’m losing. My depression indulges itself on every shred of self doubt, and I start cycling. It’s not a pretty sight. I know it’s all in my head, I know it’s all lies, I have came to know my depression inside and out. I acknowledge it, deal with it, and do my best to pulverize it. I’ve been fighting it for weeks now.

The scale this morning finally said I broke the barrier from 190 to 189.8. Barely. Still, it means I’ve gotten somewhere. That brought a lot of relief. I know it’s just a number, but when I’ve been losing and regaining the same 5lbs for weeks now, I’ll take every little bit I can. The measure around my waist is slowly dropping too, so that helps. My next mini-goal is 180, since that’s how much I weighed when I was 15, when I started having problems.

I’m trying two new recipes this week, a spaghetti squash casserole and a zucchini/squash casserole. I hope they turn out alright, I really need to try some new things. While I like the foods we’ve been eating, I know I could use a bit more variety! On that same note, I kicked my lasagna up a notch; for my meat lasagna I use ground turkey (I always use ground turkey instead of beef, I’m not a big fan of ground beef), and I added a grated carrot and some other veggies to add some more nutrition to it. It was delicious. I figured the carrot would be good, whether you tasted it or not, since carrots go in my vegetarian lasagna (which is to die for, but takes a lot longer to prepare).

My other big challenge lately has been my husband. I love him, but he is a horrible enabler. Neither of us have the best willpower, but sometimes he really undermines my efforts. I tell him to order a smaller pizza, he doesn’t because he’s “so hungry.” I tell him to order for me at a restaurant while I take the baby to grab a table, and he orders me a soda without thinking about it. I don’t want a lot of snack foods in the house because of the temptation, and yet he almost always ends up buying something he couldn’t resist. He wants me to control his diet because he wants to lose weight, and admits that he hasn’t the willpower or motivation to stick to a restricted calorie diet, but he won’t take my advice when we’re out. He wants to get takeout all the time, even though I specifically said that we need to limit it due to our budget/waistlines. I know he’s trying to be helpful, since he knows I’m exhausted and stressed out most days, but getting take out really isn’t the answer.

I’m not innocent in this, because if I’m honest with myself I could be firmer; I could say no. After a long day with a fussy baby I often give in though. It needs to stop. I think I’m going to withdraw cash each month for our “takeout budget” and tell him that once it’s gone- it’s gone. That seems the best course of action at the moment. Everything else, well we’ll work on as best we can, but this should be pretty simple. I have a feeling it will be anything but simple… but it really shouldn’t be a complicated as we’re making it!

So, that’s what I’ve been up against lately. Time to tackle them and take them down.

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